I am a Sexual Assault/Rape SURVIVOR
I have been thinking about making this post for awhile now. In light of the past few years and how prevalent rape is in college, high school, and on dates, I am finally getting up the courage to share openly my experience. Before I start, this post will be lengthy. No, I am not looking for sympathy or pity, but rather hoping that this post will be shared and will possibly help another young lady somewhere.
Here we go: My name is Tracy and I am a rape SURVIVOR! I refuse to call myself a victim, because I did what some do not have the choice to do....I SURVIVED! It has taken me 19 years to say that out loud publicly. 19 years in which I had to heal and be OK with myself, before I could say I was a survivor. Now, as a teacher, I want to try and prevent what happened to me from happening to any other young lady.
So here is my story. In October 1998, I was living in Casper, Wyoming. Having moved to Wyoming in 1991 with my parents and my little sister, Susan. I had a wonderful best friend, Tonya, and life was good. Of course I was 27 so the majority of my time was spent either working, going to school, or partying with my friends. Having recently come off a broken engagement, I knew that with my broken heart at the time, I wasn't ready for ANY kind of relationship with a guy. Over the past two weeks, Tonya, her boyfriend Aaron, and I had become friends with their new neighbors. They were two brothers from Richmond, VA, and since I had family in Richmond, we had started to all talk together. One night we all decided to go out to the local bar and we all invited the two brothers to join us. One of them, the one that was actually starting his own private home security company, declined, but his other brother accepted and followed us to the bar. We had fun dancing, drinking, and playing pool that night.
Now, here is where I tell you that I should NEVER have driven home in the state I was in, but I wasn't "too" drunk, just buzzing, and it was a straight shot to my apartment. What I didn't realize at the time, was that the brother had started to get just a little bit too close for comfort and was watching me. Did I make out with him at the bar? Yes, and I am sure my inhibitions were lowered because of the alcohol. When I got home and got out of the car, after having passed several police officers using radar on cars on the way home, I noticed that he had pulled in behind my car. He had more than me to drink at the bar, and I knew that for him to get home he would probably end up getting pulled over or wrecked, so I invited him in to crash on my couch. Those that know me, know that I would care for anyone that needed help, its just my nature, so letting him sleep it off on my couch wasn't a big deal for me. After all, in my head at the time, he wasn't a stranger. So there was no danger.....boy was I wrong.
As soon as the door was shut, he pulled a gun on me and told me that if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, or if I called the cops after it was over, that he would kill my little sister and it would be all my fault. You always wonder if you will panic, or pass out, when faced with terrifying situations, but I know what I did. I silently agreed with a nod of my head, while tears streamed down my face. I told myself that I somehow deserved this because I had been drinking and flirting/making out with him and he had felt led on. At one point I did change my mind and tried with all my strength to push him off me....he just placed the tip of the barrel of the gun into my mouth. (Until today, there are parts of this that I never told anyone, including my best friend and the police, because the thought of that action makes me physically ill. I vomit, shake, and cry uncontrollably.)
The rape lasted approx 4 hours. As he raped me numerous times. Once he was done with me, he placed that gun against my lips and told me again that he would kill my little sister if I called the cops. To prove that he meant what he said, he then recited my parents address to me and told me what my little sister drove. I was terrified. After making sure the doors were locked when he left, I curled up into a ball in the middle of my bed for two hours. I had to make sure he wouldn't come back and kill me instead. When I realized that he wasn't coming back, I called Tonya. She rushed over and took me to the Emergency Room.
My mother works at the hospital...in patient registration...I knew it could not be kept quiet from her, she would see my name, so I told them to call her up and tell her what I was in for. She called the cops. There is nothing more embarrassing and frightening than having a rape kit performed on you. It is horrible. You have to relive every minute of the rape while they scrape, poke, prod, take pictures, and then give you a cocktail of meds to keep you from getting pregnant, or developing an STD. Aids blood tests were taken but you had to wait weeks for the results. Then the police detective asks you to relive the rape again as you have to take them step by step through everything you and he did before the rape, during the rape, and after the rape. They were told that he was thinking about going back to Richmond since he had been unable to find a job, but his brother was going to stay. They were told the exact address where he was living at the time. I was told, by them, that they would be going to find him that day....instead they waited four more long days and by then he was gone.
With him being unable to be located, even by his brother, I was increasingly becoming more and more paranoid....I had stayed at the home of Tonya's sister, Heidi, and her boyfriend at the time, because I was afraid to go to my place or my parents, in order to protect my sister. He had shown up the day after I went to the ER, at Tonya's to ask if she was feeling better....She had not felt good that day and had told Aaron, before he left for work. This freaked us all out because how would he have known she didn't feel good, unless he had installed something from his brother's home security systems to record what was going on at Tonya's. Because of all this, I made the decision to leave WY and move back to TN to be safe and to protect my little sister.
I spent the next year in a daze, living with my older sister and two nephew, attempting to date but unable to be happy, I began to just work and come home, work and come home, work and come home. My life was on pause. To this day, he has never been found and I have never heard any more information from the Casper Police Department. I want to let the young men know that "NO" is no!! No matter when it is said, or if the lady has been drinking or has taken something. NO IS NO!! To the young ladies, do not demean yourself with your clothing choices. Sexual predators are turned on by tight and revealing clothing. For them it is an invitation from the ladies. Use respect in your relationships. If you are touched in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then loudly say NO. Remove their hands. Find a trustworthy person to help protect you. If you are sexually assaulted or raped, then please report it immediately. Do not take a shower. It may help you start to feel better, but it is actually washing away much needed evidence for DNA testing. If you need a person to talk to go to a teacher, a adult friend, a pastor, or a counselor. Get to the ER for the rape kit. And be a tigress, fighting for your life, until you feel closure or resolution.
Having heard of so many rapes happening in high schools and on college campuses across the US, I am saddened. Our young men and women need to know how to recognize the word NO and also how to recognize sexual assault. If you see if happening, take a stand and say "That is not right!!" It will affect you for the rest of your life. It will color decisions that you make. You will never be the same as you were before the rape. You will look at guys as potential relationship material and ask yourself "Is he safe? Can he provide me with the feeling of security?" or "Is he another one that will not understand the word NO and decide to take what he wants without my permission?" Get help, learn how to live again. I have found that it colors every decision that I make. Since the rape decisions have been harder for me to make, and huge life altering decisions are the worse for me to make. I am still healing....but I AM A SURVIVOR!! And I am DAMN proud that I am!
Here we go: My name is Tracy and I am a rape SURVIVOR! I refuse to call myself a victim, because I did what some do not have the choice to do....I SURVIVED! It has taken me 19 years to say that out loud publicly. 19 years in which I had to heal and be OK with myself, before I could say I was a survivor. Now, as a teacher, I want to try and prevent what happened to me from happening to any other young lady.
So here is my story. In October 1998, I was living in Casper, Wyoming. Having moved to Wyoming in 1991 with my parents and my little sister, Susan. I had a wonderful best friend, Tonya, and life was good. Of course I was 27 so the majority of my time was spent either working, going to school, or partying with my friends. Having recently come off a broken engagement, I knew that with my broken heart at the time, I wasn't ready for ANY kind of relationship with a guy. Over the past two weeks, Tonya, her boyfriend Aaron, and I had become friends with their new neighbors. They were two brothers from Richmond, VA, and since I had family in Richmond, we had started to all talk together. One night we all decided to go out to the local bar and we all invited the two brothers to join us. One of them, the one that was actually starting his own private home security company, declined, but his other brother accepted and followed us to the bar. We had fun dancing, drinking, and playing pool that night.
Now, here is where I tell you that I should NEVER have driven home in the state I was in, but I wasn't "too" drunk, just buzzing, and it was a straight shot to my apartment. What I didn't realize at the time, was that the brother had started to get just a little bit too close for comfort and was watching me. Did I make out with him at the bar? Yes, and I am sure my inhibitions were lowered because of the alcohol. When I got home and got out of the car, after having passed several police officers using radar on cars on the way home, I noticed that he had pulled in behind my car. He had more than me to drink at the bar, and I knew that for him to get home he would probably end up getting pulled over or wrecked, so I invited him in to crash on my couch. Those that know me, know that I would care for anyone that needed help, its just my nature, so letting him sleep it off on my couch wasn't a big deal for me. After all, in my head at the time, he wasn't a stranger. So there was no danger.....boy was I wrong.
As soon as the door was shut, he pulled a gun on me and told me that if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, or if I called the cops after it was over, that he would kill my little sister and it would be all my fault. You always wonder if you will panic, or pass out, when faced with terrifying situations, but I know what I did. I silently agreed with a nod of my head, while tears streamed down my face. I told myself that I somehow deserved this because I had been drinking and flirting/making out with him and he had felt led on. At one point I did change my mind and tried with all my strength to push him off me....he just placed the tip of the barrel of the gun into my mouth. (Until today, there are parts of this that I never told anyone, including my best friend and the police, because the thought of that action makes me physically ill. I vomit, shake, and cry uncontrollably.)
The rape lasted approx 4 hours. As he raped me numerous times. Once he was done with me, he placed that gun against my lips and told me again that he would kill my little sister if I called the cops. To prove that he meant what he said, he then recited my parents address to me and told me what my little sister drove. I was terrified. After making sure the doors were locked when he left, I curled up into a ball in the middle of my bed for two hours. I had to make sure he wouldn't come back and kill me instead. When I realized that he wasn't coming back, I called Tonya. She rushed over and took me to the Emergency Room.
My mother works at the hospital...in patient registration...I knew it could not be kept quiet from her, she would see my name, so I told them to call her up and tell her what I was in for. She called the cops. There is nothing more embarrassing and frightening than having a rape kit performed on you. It is horrible. You have to relive every minute of the rape while they scrape, poke, prod, take pictures, and then give you a cocktail of meds to keep you from getting pregnant, or developing an STD. Aids blood tests were taken but you had to wait weeks for the results. Then the police detective asks you to relive the rape again as you have to take them step by step through everything you and he did before the rape, during the rape, and after the rape. They were told that he was thinking about going back to Richmond since he had been unable to find a job, but his brother was going to stay. They were told the exact address where he was living at the time. I was told, by them, that they would be going to find him that day....instead they waited four more long days and by then he was gone.
With him being unable to be located, even by his brother, I was increasingly becoming more and more paranoid....I had stayed at the home of Tonya's sister, Heidi, and her boyfriend at the time, because I was afraid to go to my place or my parents, in order to protect my sister. He had shown up the day after I went to the ER, at Tonya's to ask if she was feeling better....She had not felt good that day and had told Aaron, before he left for work. This freaked us all out because how would he have known she didn't feel good, unless he had installed something from his brother's home security systems to record what was going on at Tonya's. Because of all this, I made the decision to leave WY and move back to TN to be safe and to protect my little sister.
I spent the next year in a daze, living with my older sister and two nephew, attempting to date but unable to be happy, I began to just work and come home, work and come home, work and come home. My life was on pause. To this day, he has never been found and I have never heard any more information from the Casper Police Department. I want to let the young men know that "NO" is no!! No matter when it is said, or if the lady has been drinking or has taken something. NO IS NO!! To the young ladies, do not demean yourself with your clothing choices. Sexual predators are turned on by tight and revealing clothing. For them it is an invitation from the ladies. Use respect in your relationships. If you are touched in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then loudly say NO. Remove their hands. Find a trustworthy person to help protect you. If you are sexually assaulted or raped, then please report it immediately. Do not take a shower. It may help you start to feel better, but it is actually washing away much needed evidence for DNA testing. If you need a person to talk to go to a teacher, a adult friend, a pastor, or a counselor. Get to the ER for the rape kit. And be a tigress, fighting for your life, until you feel closure or resolution.
Having heard of so many rapes happening in high schools and on college campuses across the US, I am saddened. Our young men and women need to know how to recognize the word NO and also how to recognize sexual assault. If you see if happening, take a stand and say "That is not right!!" It will affect you for the rest of your life. It will color decisions that you make. You will never be the same as you were before the rape. You will look at guys as potential relationship material and ask yourself "Is he safe? Can he provide me with the feeling of security?" or "Is he another one that will not understand the word NO and decide to take what he wants without my permission?" Get help, learn how to live again. I have found that it colors every decision that I make. Since the rape decisions have been harder for me to make, and huge life altering decisions are the worse for me to make. I am still healing....but I AM A SURVIVOR!! And I am DAMN proud that I am!
Comments
Post a Comment