the_disappearing_librarian

She sat in the car trying to will herself to open the car door, get out of the car, and go inside. She knew that the conversation that was about to happen was going to hurt, both her and him. For years she had tried to have this conversation. She had begged, cajoled, argued, screamed, and whispered for him to acknowledge her words. With every breath she had, she tried to fight to fix what as wrong. She gave up her friends. She gave up her family. She gave up her career to a point. She became what she swore she would never become. An invisible, overlooked, stressed, overworked, roommate. A maid. A mother. A cook. A butler. An errand girl. Not a wife. Not a loved one. Not someone that was cherished. Not someone that was protected. Not someone that was DESIRED. The phone and it's "Smart" capabilities became more important than her. He became anti-social when they were with family and friends. He began to tell her that he "Didn't marry her for he...

It hit me last night while I was selling tickets at our girl's lacrosse and JV Baseball games, and the National Anthem was playing, that I love our military men and women.  I respect them for what they do, putting their lives on the line every day, being away from their husbands, wives, parents, children, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, not to mention their friends, in order for us to be with those family members and friends and live safely.  I come from a family that has had members serve in one or more branches of the military.  My father was in the Army Reserves, my uncle in the Marine Corps, my grandfather was a turret gunner during WWII in the Pacific Theater, my other grandfather was in the Army, my nephew and his wife both attended the US Naval Academy (where they met) and are now both active duty Navy stationed in Rhode Island.  I am sure I have missed some other members (my uncle on my mother's side was, but I do not know whic...

Life is full of decisions.  We have to make them on a daily basis. Some of them are good ones. Some of them are bad ones. Some of us struggle to make a simple decision, like which flavor coffee we want to drink. For others decisions are easier to make and they do not lose sleep over whether they made the right decision or not. Recently, I have come to the realization that there are some major decisions that have to be made in my life.  The first one was the decision to become healthier.  This meant changing my lifestyle, beginning to diet, beginning to workout, and reflecting on my life and the changes that need to be made.  Decisions that would make me happy again.  Decisions that would reintroduce me to the southern lady with the rebel wild side that I loved about myself. Decisions that have the potential to make me extremely happy and less stressed, yet could destroy others around me. As most of you know, I don't like confrontation.  Now, don't get m...

Progress is always a good thing.  It means we are moving forward.  Moving forward with our goals.  I have been working on a huge goal for the past month and a half.  My goal is to lose weight, eat healthier, and get fit. Three goals that are all wound up into one.  Part of this journey has been learning how to overcome some self-confidence issues I have in relation to my body image. Yesterday I figuratively took the bull by the horns and posted three photos I have taken in workout clothes to show my progress.  It took me a lot to type up that FB post and then actually post the pics.  I realized that most pics I post are head shots of me.  But now I feel better, I can personally see a difference when I put on clothes that are much looser, and in the photos I can physically see a difference.  Do I back slide on this journey? Occasionally, but then I just work out that much harder.  Do I have great support from my friends? YES!  So, ...

Negativity.  We all deal with it from time to time. In our careers, in our relationships with friends, in our personal and emotional feelings towards ourselves, and even in our families.  But what makes us continually deal with that negativity? If it is in our careers, sometimes we have no choices. Some people are just negative. Always have been always will be.  It could be because they are jealous with how a coworker performs. It could be because they are having personal issues to deal with at home. They could be avoiding dealing with something in their past. Whatever the reason for their negativity, at work we can be friendly to them or we can choose to just ignore their negativity. If we are dealing with negativity in our relationships with our friends or family members or with ourselves, then we must take a harder look at that friend and that relationship.  Try talking to the friend to see if their is something going on that you might be able to help them wit...

FEAR is defined as:  an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. We, as humans, deal with fear on a daily basis.  Fear from the unknown. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failing ourselves or others. Fear of past hurts. Fear of death. Fear of love.  Fear of rejection. We even know people that we say are not fearful of anything.  They live their lives full of bravado, being adventurous.  But, I think if we actually investigated and got to know those people intimately, we would find that there is something they are fearful of that drives them to the adventure they crave and participate in with such gusto.   What are my fears? I am fearful of losing the friends that I am close to and care about because of how someone else perceives them or me.  I am fearful of spiders. I am fearful of being a fool.  I am fearful of rejection. I am fearful of being bullied again.  I am fear...

Yes, you read the blog title correctly, today is DAY43!! It has been 43 days since I started my #newmein2017 healthier lifestyle routine.  Not really a routine, but rather a whole body & mind lifestyle change.  My quest to eat healthier, lose weight, get fit & in shape.  I really and truly wish that I had had the willpower, fortitude, attitude, or whatever you want to call it, to start this 20 years ago.  But, as the old adage goes, Better late than never!! Here is how I keep to it: 1.  I have a huge support/motivation network with friends on Facebook and at school. 2.  I have sisters that support me and family that supports my quest. 3.  I ALWAYS go to the gym....granted it may take me until 8:00 pm to go, but I go and I am always      happy that I did. 4.  I listen to my body and adjust my workout accordingly if it is telling me something important      through pain. 5.  I think about all the ...

I just looked at the stats for my blog page and I was astounded at the initial data.  The blog has been viewed in multiple countries!! I may never actually know how many women and men I was able to help by sharing my story, but I know it has helped me. The countries are USA, Portugal, France, & Poland.  I am amazed at how far my story has traveled.  Please feel free to share the link to the blog, so that other rape victims and survivors might be helped. While there are a few details that I still held back, being able to share my story and speak out against rape has helped me to heal.  I made a friend through the process that has encouraged me, supported me, and motivated me in both my healing process (they have a degree in counseling) and also in my healthier lifestyle #newmein2017.  For those of you that are my friends, you know I value my friendships.  I realized through this process that I had started to close myself off from my friends over the ye...

Recently I came out and shared my story of my rape and survival.  While I have already been able to help friends of mine begin their own healing process simply by sharing my story, I want to do more.  I recently came across RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network).  They are the largest organization committed to ending Sexual Assault of any kind.  I have decided to get involved with the organization and will be volunteering with them in various capacities.  One of the ways I will volunteer is to apply to be a part of the RAINN Speakers Bureau (Survivors telling their stories publicly).  This is a huge step for me, because my rapist has never been located.  By telling my story I realize that there exists, however minute the possibility, that he will see me speaking out and could come after me.  Realizing that he may have been involved with gangs in the Richmond-Baltimore area before moving to WY makes the results of that possibility overw...

     As most of you are aware, on February 9, 2017, I began a complete lifestyle change and journey to a healthier and more fit me.  I have titled it #newmein2017 (I know, so very original :) )  One thing I have learned on this journey is that the encouragement and support from my friends and family has kept me focused and motivated.  This is a journey that I know now I should have started years ago, but better late than never.  Since starting my journey I have lost 14lbs, and I can see that I am toning up.  I have a long way to go to reach my ultimate goal, but I have short term goals in sight.      Another thing I have learned is that by writing down my workout, what I do that particular day, also helps me stay focused.  Yesterday, I actually wrote down in my phone as I was doing my workout, what I was doing.  I have to use my phone now, because I am continually adding things to my workout and I am concerned I will not...

Today the weather was nice enough to go and walk on the memorial trail at the National Marine Corps Museum.  A friend told me about the trail a couple of weeks ago, but until today I had not had a chance to actually take a walk on the trail. The trail is beautiful.  It meanders and undulates throughout the property, with memorial benches, plaques, and monuments scattered about that tell the history of the Marine Corps and the battles Marines have fought it throughout it's history. Starting at the entrance to the trail, walking up to the chapel, then past the overlook, and winding down into the property/woods, then back to the front of the actual museum is one mile.  I was able to walk the trail twice in 52 minutes at a brisk pace.  It was so calm and relaxing, even with the workout given to my cardio health and to my legs.  I was able to appreciate the beauty of the day and the sanctity of the men and women that were and are US Marines.  Having an uncle...

I love where I live.  I love the office staff, the maintenance staff, and the tenants.  I have made friends with some of my neighbors, and am saddened to say that one of those, my BESTIE here, left yesterday to move to Washington State.  I will miss her laughter, our talks, especially the ones this week, and her advice. I will miss her son and his infectious enthusiasm for everything. And I will miss her husband and how he was always willing to help out if Justin wasn't at home and I needed something (rare but there were a few occasions).  I love that we have a pool that I can visit and swim laps in during the hot summer months. It is located in a courtyard surrounded by beautiful landscaping.  I love that every month there is some type of activity for all the residents of the complex (Super Bowl party, happy hours, omelet days, Christmas parties, etc).  But, what I love the most about Van Metre Kensington Place, are the two, yes I said two, ...

We, as humans, are what our experiences and personalities make us. We mold ourselves like clay based on our likes and dislikes, our friendships, and our experiences both good and bad.  We take what happens to us, internalize it, and decide if it will change who we are.  Our parents, preachers, and teachers, try to instill in us morals and values. If we are lucky, we have great teachers and mentors to help guide us and shape us. But..... If we are unlucky, then we are faced with many obstacles to overcome.  Loss of love, loss of friendship, loss from death, horrific events happening to us.  All of these have the potential to change us. We tend to judge people by first impressions, actions, and perceptions. I beg of you to take a moment, take a breath, and decide if the actions of someone that made you judge them in a certain way could be caused by other events going on in their lives. I have been lucky in that, even with some of the worst obstacles to face, I ...

I saw this today and after the day I have had, this is exactly what I needed to read. It's also what a friend was trying to tell me. Dear Beautiful Girl, It is important to remember that no one has the right or the power to take away your choices, your thoughts, or the essence of who you are. Lots of things in life can be taken from us, but most of the things that are most valuable cannot. The things that matter most cannot be seen, and really CAN be protected fiercely by our own selves so that they are not violated or crushed in any way. No person and no situation can make us feel bad or small or stuck unless we allow it to. It is our choice. Be careful with your dreams, be kind to them. Protect your choices and your ability to make them. Make good choices so that you are not chained by the consequences of poor ones. Watch your thoughts and make sure that what you want most is what you are thinking most. Stand up for what you believe in and don't settle for anything el...

Another day on my #newmein2017 journey.  Today I decided to use the recumbent bike and work on my legs.  I biked 2 miles at a level 6, did 20 leg presses at 145lbs, 20 calf presses at 145 lbs, and 20 ab curls at 30 lbs.  I know to some this may not seem like a lot. But considering where I have come from.....it is a great start for me.  Today was even a not so good day, for undisclosed reasons, but I still went and worked out.  Do I get tired? Yes! Do I get discouraged when I can't manage to motivate others? Yes! But, am I happier? YES!! I have so much more energy, and that motivates me even more.  I have actually gotten to the point that I, the former -lazy-sit on the couch and do nothing but drink tons of soda-Tracy, like working out.  I may get sweaty and out of breath but I love the burn I feel in my muscles.  I love switching things up so my routine doesn't get boring. I recently had a conversation with someone I consider a friend, a n...

Most of you have been following my journey to a better me. #newmein2017 is my journey to become healthier, fitter, and lose some much needed weight. Part of that journey also involved my overall mental health and happiness. I was a couch potato. I was a 3-4 20 oz. soda bottle a day drinker. I ate unhealthy. I did NOT exercise. And I was MISERABLE!! I wanted to be able to participate in things I could no longer participate in. But I had no motivation and no will power. Then, a comment was made about me that changed everything. As comments go, it wasn't the worst I had ever heard; I grew up being made fun of and laughed at in school, so normally this comment would have just bounced off me. But, the comment was made by someone that professed to love me, at least to my face. That and the fact that the comment was not made to my face, but rather told to my husband, really drove two things home. #1: I will never be able to trust this person again. They have broken my trust for...

I have been thinking about making this post for awhile now. In light of the past few years and how prevalent rape is in college, high school, and on dates, I am finally getting up the courage to share openly my experience. Before I start, this post will be lengthy. No, I am not looking for sympathy or pity, but rather hoping that this post will be shared and will possibly help another young lady somewhere.  Here we go: My name is Tracy and I am a rape SURVIVOR! I refuse to call myself a victim, because I did what some do not have the choice to do....I SURVIVED! It has taken me 19 years to say that out loud publicly. 19 years in which I had to heal and be OK with myself, before I could say I was a survivor. Now, as a teacher, I want to try and prevent what happened to me from happening to any other young lady.  So here is my story. In October 1998, I was living in Casper, Wyoming. Having moved to Wyoming in 1991 with my parents and my little sister, Susan. I had a ...