Insecurity and Humiliation
I hate when old monsters in my life come back to haunt me time and time again. No matter how far I go, and how much I accomplish as an adult, there are times that just a look or a word, or a perceived snub, takes me back to my time in school and even in my early 20's and how some would treat me. No, I wasn't bullied....back then even bullying wasn't called bullying per say. But, I was teased and made fun of. I was always taller and bigger than the other girls. Most of the boys, at least some of the more popular ones, definitely had a cruel streak....even if it wasn't a big streak.
I can remember walking down the hallway in high school and the boys lined up at their lockers making sounds "Boom! Boom! Boom!" to the beat of my footsteps...."I feel an earthquake happening....oh wait!.....It's just Tracy!" and them beating on their lockers as I walked by making it seem as if I was shaking the entire school. Thank goodness for the guys and gals in ROTC and Drama....they were like my brothers and they made school bearable.
It took me 7 years to decide to go to college because of my experience in high school.....I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid it would be the same.....but it wasn't. I found myself. I decided I could be a great teacher. I found people that genuinely liked being around me and my personality. My personality that craves friendship and love.
But even today, a perceived laugh at me as I walk by sometimes still has the power to take me back to those days. I wonder if they even regret being mean. I wonder if they know just how much, even all these years later, that some of those wounds are just barely scabbed over? I wonder if given the chance would they admit they had done wrong and apologize.....that would be all it would take. Some have. At the 10 year reunion, one of them even apologized for throwing gum in my hair in elementary school....an event I cannot remember at all, must have blocked it out.
There are even times that a word, or voice, or sound takes me back to that horrible night 19 years ago. Those are the times that I face the humiliation of what happened. Of just how much it affected me and every choice I have made since then.....combined with the insecrurity of high school....those days make me want to hide away from the world.
But. I. Am. Strong. I. Will. Survive. and I continue to fight for myself and others like me, everyday in every way I know how.
I can remember walking down the hallway in high school and the boys lined up at their lockers making sounds "Boom! Boom! Boom!" to the beat of my footsteps...."I feel an earthquake happening....oh wait!.....It's just Tracy!" and them beating on their lockers as I walked by making it seem as if I was shaking the entire school. Thank goodness for the guys and gals in ROTC and Drama....they were like my brothers and they made school bearable.
It took me 7 years to decide to go to college because of my experience in high school.....I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid it would be the same.....but it wasn't. I found myself. I decided I could be a great teacher. I found people that genuinely liked being around me and my personality. My personality that craves friendship and love.
But even today, a perceived laugh at me as I walk by sometimes still has the power to take me back to those days. I wonder if they even regret being mean. I wonder if they know just how much, even all these years later, that some of those wounds are just barely scabbed over? I wonder if given the chance would they admit they had done wrong and apologize.....that would be all it would take. Some have. At the 10 year reunion, one of them even apologized for throwing gum in my hair in elementary school....an event I cannot remember at all, must have blocked it out.
There are even times that a word, or voice, or sound takes me back to that horrible night 19 years ago. Those are the times that I face the humiliation of what happened. Of just how much it affected me and every choice I have made since then.....combined with the insecrurity of high school....those days make me want to hide away from the world.
But. I. Am. Strong. I. Will. Survive. and I continue to fight for myself and others like me, everyday in every way I know how.
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